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| Spiritual Jokes and Spiritual Humour | Spiritual humour, Spiritual Jokes and Thoughts of Life. |  | Spiritual humour, Spiritual Jokes and Thoughts of Life. A selection of articles related to Spiritual Jokes and Spiritual Humour:
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one they offered their evidence:Read more here: » Spiritual Jokes: Spiritual Jokes - Jesus was...
The Seven Chakras: Apart from the physical body a human being consists of a spiritual body, and this spiritual body is composed of vibrations of light which are structured in a way so that they create different centres. These centres are each structured in a beautiful pattern, and they are located as follows: Read more here: » Chakras: The Seven Chakras
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| | Archives on Spiritual humour, Spiritual Jokes and Thoughts of Life. | | | | Collection Saving a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn t really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they re all together to discuss the experience. Father O Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. Wellll, he says, in a fine Irish brouge, Ey wint oot into th wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don t sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God s HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God s HOOOOLY word
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV s and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, Oy! You don t know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures
The interview with God.
I dreamed I had an interview with God. So you would like to interview me God asked. If you have the time I said.
God smiled. My time is eternity What questions do you have in mind for me
What surprises you most about humankind
God answered... That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again
That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health
That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future
That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived
God s hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.
And then I asked... As a parent, what are some of life s lessons
you want your children to learn
To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved
To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others
To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness
To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them
To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least
To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings
To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently
To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves Thank you for your time, I said humbly. Is there anything else
you would like your children to know
God smiled and said, Just know that I am here... always
We Are Three, You are Three
When his ship stopped at a remote island for a day, the bishop determined to use the time as profitable as possible. He strolled along the seashore and came across three fishermen attending to their nets. In Pidgin English they announced to him that centuries before missionaries had Christianised them. We Christians! they said proudly pointing to one another.
The bishop was impressed. Did they know the Lord s Prayer They had never heard of it. The bishop was shocked. What do you say then when you pray We lift eyes towards heaven. We pray, We are three, you are three, have mercy on us
The bishop was appalled at the primitive, downright heretical, nature of the prayer. So he spent the whole day teaching them the Lord s Prayer. The fishermen were poor learners, but they gave it all they had and before the bishop sailed away the next day, he had the satisfaction of hearing them go through the formula faultlessly.
Month later his ship happened to pass those islands again and the bishop, as he paced the deck reciting the evening prayer, recalled the pleasure of the three men on that distant island who were now able to pray, thanks to his patient efforts.
Suddenly he saw a spot of light in the east that kept approaching the ship. As he gazed in wonder seeing three figures walking on the water, the captain stopped the boat and everyone leaned over the rails to see this sight. They were the bishop s fishermen, of course!Bishop, they exclaimed, we heard your boat go past and have come in a hurry to meet youWhat is it you want asked the awe-stricken bishop.Bishop, they said, we are so, so sorry. We forget lovely prayer. We say: Our father in heaven, holy be your name, your kingdom come then we forget. Tell us the prayer again
It was a chastened bishop who replied, Go back to your island, my friends, and each time you pray, say We are Three, You are Three, have mercy on us!
I Created You
One day, as usually, an orphan, a little girl, stood at the street corner begging for food, money or whatever she could get. Now, this girl was wearing very tattered clothes, was dirty and quite dishevelled.
A well-to-do you man passed that corner without giving the girl a second look. But, when he returned to his expensive home, his happy and comfortable family, and his well-laden dinner table, his thoughts returned to the young orphan. He became very angry with God for allowing such conditions to exist.
He reproached God, saying, How can you let this happen Why don t you do something to help this girl
Then he heard God in the depths of his being responding by saying I did. I created You
Installing Love
Customer Service: Can you install Love
Customer: I can do that. I m not very technical, but I think I m ready to install now. What do I do first
Service: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart
Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running
Service: What programs are running
Customer: Let me see I have Pasthurt.exe, Lowesteem.exe, Grudge.exe and Resentment.com running right now.
Service: No problem. Love will automatically erase Pasthurt.exe from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually overwrite Lowesteem.exe whit a module of its own, called Highesteem.exe. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge.exe and Resentment.com. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off
Customer: I don t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how
Service: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke Forgiveness.exe. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge.exe and Resentment.com have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I m done. Love has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal
Service: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your Heart. Do you see that message
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed
Service: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops I have an error message already. What should I do
Service: What does the message say
Customer: It says Error 412 Program not run on internal components
What does that mean
Service: Don t worry, that s a common problem. It means that the Love program is set up to run on external Hearts but has not yet been running on your Heart. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means that you have to love your own machine before it can love others.
Customer: So what should I do
Service: Can you find the directory called Self-acceptance
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Service: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Service: You re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the Myheart directory: Forgiveself.doc, Selfesteem.txt, Realizeworth.txt and Goodness.doc. The system will overwrite conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Selfcriticize.exe from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it! Wow! My Heart is filling up with really neat files. Smile.mpg is playing on my monitor right now, and it shows that Warmth.com, Peace.exe and Contentment.com are copying themselves all over my Heart!
Service: Then Love is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go
Customer: Yes
Service: Love is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you are meeting. They will in turn share it with other people, and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
Service: You re very welcome.
Courtesy: Krupa Darshan, Ranjit Mayekar, USA
A Love story
Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived, Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge and all the others, including Love.
One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So, all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the very last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under water, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help.
Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, Richness, can I come with you on your boat Richness answered, I am sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere
The Love decided to ask Vanity, who was passing in a beautiful vessel, for help. Love cried out Vanity, help me please! , I can t help you, Vanity said, You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat
Next Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, Sadness please let me go with you Sadness answered, Love, I m sorry, but, I just need to be alone now
Then, Love saw Happiness and cried out, Happiness, please take me with you But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn t hear Love calling him.
Love began to cry, then, she heard a voice say, Come love I will take you with me . It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on land the elder went on his way.
Love realized how much she owed the elder and when she met Knowledge she asked who it was that had helped her.It was Time , Knowledge answered. But why did Time help me when no one else would , Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is
A Challenging Golf Game
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but kept rolling directly toward a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long drive directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball back onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and veered toward a nearby tree.
From there, the ball bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog screamed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad
The Atheist
An atheist was spending a quit day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by a three-headed monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow them both. As the men sailed head over hells, he cried out, Oh my God! Help me! At once the ferocious attack scene froze in one place, and as the atheist hung in mid air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn t believe in me! Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didn t believe in three-headed monsters either!
He Who Tells the Best Story...
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked What are you doing with that dog
One of the boys replied, This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. You boys shouldn t be having a contest telling lies! he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, Don t you boys know it s a sin to lie, and ending with, Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, All right, give him the dog
Important Words
The six most important words in the English language are: I admit I made a mistake
The five most important words in the English language are: You did a good job
The four most important words in the English language are: What is your opinion
The three most important words in the English language are: If you please
The two most important words in the English language are: Thank you
The one most important word in the English language is: We
The least important word in the English language is: I
The two least important words in the English language are: I can t!
The three least important words in the English language are: You Screwed Up!
The Echo of Life
A man and his son were walking in the forest. Suddenly the boy trips and feeling a sharp pain he screams Ahhhhhhhhh . Surprised he hears a voice coming from the mountain, Ahhhhhhhhh !
Filled with curiosity, he screams: Who are you , but the only answer he receives is who are you This makes him angry, so he screams: You are a coward! , and the voice answers You are a coward!
He looks at his father, asking, Dad, what is going on Son, the man replies, pay attention! then he screams, I admire you! . The voice answers I admire you . The father shouts, You are wonderful! , and the voice answers: You are wonderful!
Then the father explains, People call this ECHO , but truly it is LIFE ! Life always gives you back what you give out! Life is a mirror of your actions. If you want more love, give more love! If you want understanding, give understanding and respect. If you want people to be patient and respectful to you, give patience and respect! This rule of nature applies to every aspect of our lives
Life always gives you back what you give out. Your life is not a coincidence, but a mirror of your own doings.
Rules for being human
1. Your will receive a body. You may like it, or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think they are irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately works .
4. A lesson is repeated until learned A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go to the next lesson. Periodically, the lesson will be re- presented to see if you still remember it.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learnt. If no lessons is being presented, it is likely that you are no longer alive.
6. There is no better than here . When your there has become a here , you will simply acquire another there . That will again look better than here .
7. Others are simply mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you make of them is up to you; the choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life s questions lie inside you. All you have to do is look, listen and trust.
10. You will forget all this. That fact is itself a lesson.
I have learned
1. I have learned -
That sometimes the people
you expect to kick you
when you are down
will be the ones to
help you get back up.
2. I have learned -
That just because someone
does not love you the way
you want them to
does not mean
they don t love you
with all they have.
3. I have learned -
That maturity has more to
do with the experiences you have
had and what you have learned
from them and less to do with
how many birthdays you have
celebrated.
4. I have learned -
That no matter how good a friend is,
He or she is going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must
forgive him or her for that.
5. I have learned -
That it isn t always enough
to be forgiven by others.
You have to learn to forgive
yourself.
6. I have learned -
That no matter how badly
your heart is broken the
world doesn t stop for
your grief.
7. I have learned -
That background and circumstances
May have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who
we become.
A letter from God
To : YOU
Date : TODAY
From : YOUR FRIEND
Subject : YOURSELF
Reference : LIFE
I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems.
Please remember that I do not need your help.
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, Do not attempt to resolve it.
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.
All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.
Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; don t despair.
There are people in this world for which driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work;
Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it s like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend;
Think of the woman in dire straits,
Working twelve hours a day,
Seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new grey hair in the mirror;
Thinks of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, Asking what is my purpose Be thankful.
There are those who didn t live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people s bitterness, Ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
Green peas and red marble
During the waning years of the depression in a small Idaho community, I used to stop by Mr. Miller s roadside stand for farm fresh produce as the season made it available. Food and money were still extremely scarce, and bartering was used extensively.
One day Mr. Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I could not help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next o me. Hello Barry, how are you today H lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus admiring those peas sure look good They are good, Barry. How s your Ma Fine. Gittin stronger alla time Good. Anything I can help you with No, Sir, Jus admiring them peas Would you like to take some hone No, Sir. Got nothing to pay for em with Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas All I got s my prize marble here Is that right Let me see it Here tis. She s a dandy I can see that. Hmmmmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home Not zackley ..but almost Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he does not like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps
I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts . All very professional looking.
They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband s casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, on by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket. Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim traded them. Now , at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size .. They came to pay their debt We ve never had a great deal of the wealth of this world she confided, but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.
Listen to your heart
Horror gripped the heart of a World War I soldier, as he saw his lifelong friend fell in battle. Caught in a trench with continuous gunfire whizzing over his head, the soldier asked his Lieutenant if he could go out into the no man s land between the trenches to bring his fallen comrade back. You can go, said the Lieutenant, but I don t think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away The Lieutenant s words didn t matter, and the soldier went anyway.
Miraculously, he managed to reach his fiend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their company s trench. As the two of them tumbled in together to the bottom of the trench, the officer checked the wounded soldier, and then looked kindly at his friend. I told you it wouldn t be worth it, he said. You friend is dead and you are mortally wounded. It was worth it, Sir, said the soldier. What do you mean by worth it responded the Lieutenant. You friend is dead Yes Sir, the private answered, but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I got the chance to her him say .JIM .. I KNEW YOU D COME
Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how you look at it. Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do, so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life .
A true friend is one who walks in, when the rest of the world walks out
Roses of Life
I ve dreamed many dreams that never came true,
I ve seen them vanish at dawn.
But I ve realized enough of my dreams, thank God,
To make me want to dream on.
I ve prayed many prayers, when no answers came,
Though I waited so patient and long,
But answers came to enough of my prayers
To make me keep praying on.
I ve trusted many a friend who failed
And left me to week alone,
But I ve found enough of my friends to be true
To make me keep trusting on.
I ve sown many seeds that fell by the way
For the birds to feed upon,
But I ve held enough golden sheaves in my hands
To make me keep sowing on.
I ve drained the cup of disappointment and pain
And gone many days without song,
But I ve sipped enough nectar from the roses of life
To make me want to live on.
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| | ARTICLES RELATED TO Spiritual Jokes and Spiritual Humour | |
| | | | * Mathematics and the Calculus of Humour
The mathematics of humour, or the humour of mathematics? You're kidding. They're as different as chalk and cheese. Or are they?
We're familiar with those witty mathematical puzzles which delight children of all ages. We speak of a comedian's sense of 'timing', a term suggestive of arithmetical calibration. We talk of jokes that 'click', like tumblers falling into place in a numerical combination lock.
(See also: Mathematics, Faith and Belief, Spiritual Guidance, God and Religion, Peace on Earth, Peace of Mind, Love and Happiness, Life and Beyond, Body Mind and Soul )
Read more here: » Mathematics: Mathematics and the Calculus of Humour |
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