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Experiences of enlightenment
Caisa Ruteskog
 I
am born and brought up in Sweden
and currently live in UK.
I left home when I was fifteen.
My first taste of spirituality
was at 19 when I got the experience
that there was a deeper and
more profound reality to be
discovered than my present experience
of life. I got to experience
a sense of eternity, like a
whispering that it was time
to awaken.
Since childhood I have had
the deep longing to return to
nothingness. Despite the benefit
of being brought up in a family
of Co-counsellors, the journey
has been an extremely difficult
one filled with deep existential
pain and suffering and a tremendous
feeling of entrapment in the
body.
For many years I struggled
with the idea that I could some
how get my self out of this
suffering. My spiritual progress
transformed when I attended
a retreat three years ago, led
by Freddy Nielsen. There I learned
that however hard I tried to
liberate myself it would be
doomed to failure - only Grace
would be able to set me free.
In the summer of 2004 I got
to receive Oneness Blessing given to
me by Anette Carlstrm
during the Venus transit. A
transformation started within
me, I became like a child, happily
dancing and singing. The mind
would no longer have such a
strong influence over me. A
few weeks later I left Sweden
for India to attend the 21-day
process. I was then in a very
happy and relaxed state.
Seeing that the I does not
exist and that the self is an
illusion.
On the 21-day process, which
I attended in August 2004, I
got to experience the state
of complete freedom from the
mind. Tremendous love, bliss,
Grace and union with the Divine
was my everyday experience.
The body was not my body, the
thoughts were not my thoughts,
I became one with the flow of
life and the happiness I experienced
was indescribable.
The experience was so powerful
that conscious understanding
of the teachings was overshadowed
by the love and light. There
were so many beautiful feelings
and sensations, so much divine
energy being experienced, that
it was virtually impossible
for me to make sense of the
teachings. For many months afterwards
as my state stabilised and deepened
I still wasnt able to
fully comprehend it. It was
like being in a beautiful state
but not being able to fully
describe or put words to it.
Six months later, in the spring
of 2005, I attended the 10-day
Deepening process.
By this time I felt a lot more
settled and accustomed to the
everyday experience of the enlightened
state.
The 10-day Deepening process
was structured to review all
the main teachings of Bhagavan.
Our course leader Srinivas Dasaji
would introduce different teachings
each day. We would then watch
and listen to video presentations
of Bhagavan, which would provide
a full account of the teaching.
Then we would invite Oneness Blessing-AmmaBhagavan
to help us completely take in,
understand and experience the
particular teaching.
The main experience I would
like to share about is the non-existence
of a separate I identity. This
seems to be the main teaching
that once fully understood and
experienced completely transforms
ones perception of reality
and thereby the quality of ones
life.
I was sitting in the Dhyana
Vihar relaxing in the experience
of joy and effortless being
when suddenly a burst of light
revealed the full experience
of Bhagavan's words.
I found myself rapidly being
blown open by explosions and
implosions of radiant Divine
light. Entering my heart and
crown chakra, waves of energy
would quickly spread through
my inner world working through
all my chakras and energy centres.
The light practically blew my
whole system out again and again,
I would be blown wide open.
An overwhelming Divine presence
would start working on the brain,
nervous system and energy centres.
Very practical, luminous, laser
beams of light and indescribable
existences permeated and penetrated
the body.
And the body disappeared, was
dissolved in the universe and
the I floated
in outer space in between the
nebulae. The I
was dissolved, it never existed,
the self not real, it was never
there, only vacant space. The
experience of the experiencer
that experiences the experience
doesnt exist. Only Creation
experiencing itself.
All sense of a separate I existing
vanished. I couldnt even
say I was aware of vacant space,
I was the vacant space, I was
everything and nothing. And
within this beautiful vacant
space everything was included,
the past, present, future, all
of existence as one consciousness,
no separation, simply a complete
Divine Union where everything
exists as one.
Within this Divine Union free
flowing personalities would
rise and fall. There was no
I for whom the personalities
belonged. There was just this
flow of independent personalities.
Whilst experiencing this universal
dimension the heart slowed down
and the physical body got into
a state of suspension. The body
stopped breathing for several
minutes.
To move and to walk was an
adventure, Creation wandering
itself.
However long this experience
lasted I cant tell, there
wasnt an I to keep track
on time and neither was there
the concept of time to keep
track of. Timeless awareness.
I cant possibly express
the magnitude of liberation
experienced being one with Creation.
All words, all questions cease
when one experiences this ultimate
state of being. Since this teaching
was given to me my every moment
experience of life has been
one of unspeakable love, light
and profound divine joy. Just
like the child, where only the
total presence exists. Life
is like that, all the time,
now, now and now.
All that is left is an overflowing
of love wishing to be shared
with all of mankind. The heart
radiant and flowering to pass
on this beauty to everyone who
wishes to receive it.
May Grace come and liberate
You All
My innermost Love and Gratitude
to Amma Bhagavan
Yours Truly
Caisa Ruteskog
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