June 30, 08
Yesterday afternoon I was rather tired, so I laid down in my bed for a while. I fell asleep and had this dream:
i'm driving a van with a small trailer. it is not my van, while driving things seem to get rather foggy. i wonder what is the matter with the windshild. so i get out and clean it. i also clwean the inside. when i get into the van, it feels strange. nothing seems to be where it ought to be. i even think i am in the back seat and start getting out. but then i realise i am in the driver's seat, alllright.
i am driving again, and things seem to get foggier and foggier all the time. i can hardly see the road. so i slowly move to the side of the road and stop. i now realise, it is my eyesight that is turning so bad. i wonder what to do, how to get home, and what is really wrong with me.
the dream was very vivid and upon wakening it took me a few moments to come back to my usual reality.
then last night i had another very vivd dream.
i was in a restaurant, but did not find my way around. i could not locate my car and my jaket was gone, too. i recognozed diane, but thought she was going in the wrong direction. i told the waiter about my problems, but he could not help me. i seem to be aware of losing my mind but could not help it. everything seemed to be floating aweay.
then in the parking lot an old delivery truck backed up and hit my car. i wanted to take the lisence # down but knew i was not able to remember it. by the time i got a pencil and a scrap of paper i noticed the driver had changed the license plate. i felt utterly helpless and i knew i was loosing my mind.
in the morning i realised it had been a dream. but i was amazed how vivid it was.
because both dreams were so vivd and real, i thought about them all day and now decided to record them.
this was three days ago. since then i had no more dreams that i can remember.
and neither has my eyesight diminished nor my mind deteriorated, as far as i can see.
i wonder whether it has something to do with my changes in faith. i am for some time now wrestling with the various concepts of god. i ask myself: who invented god.
discarding any religion may feel like going blind. but it also feels liberating, like getting rid of a big burden.
well, this is difficult to answer.
i have not joined any particular 'ism', even though i have been called anything from atheist and satanist to pagan and nihilist.
i try to learn by experience the oneness of all, which of course implies the surrender of my individuality. and therein lies the rub.
is our perception of individuality a cultural belief?
and what kind of a culture would be able to liberate us from the concept of individuality.
the same applies to the concept of a god, a concept that i believe was invented at the time of the agricultural revolution, which i see also as the beginning of hierarchical society, which needed a god and therefore invented it.
so you see, i live in a nebulous no-mans-land.
God has always been there, he was not invented at the agricultural beginning. Human society can be traced to Africa and probably to one village, in which case it follows logic that two incipient people started the human race. It is scientific fact that the modern man is no older than 100,000 years (actually 40,000 is oldest figure i have heard). This is not enough time for evolution. Current man, or man who does not worship per say will refer to god when in need-always. What i find baffling is how a person becomes satanist. if you are aware of satan than you must be aware that life on earth is short and there is heaven and hell and ultimately you will be pay for eternity.
There is only one truth, i.e. god can not sitting inside a volcano and be as the Christians believe son, the father and the holy spirit or as the Muslims believe (i am Muslim) that he is just ONE and he created the universe alone and he alone sustains it.
You can imagine how a person with an earthly perspective - not knowing about the magnitude of the cosmos could believe that god is sitting inside the most powerful thing known to them, the earth shaking volcano.
You are an individual, you have a purpose, the stars did not create you, you do not need to be part of the stars, but you are made of star dust. neither do you need to befriend a worm as if he will meet you in an ether world and be one with you, look at him, he just munches and is picked of by a bird or trodden on, etc. he has his purpose that he was designed to do and he does it (the stars did not design him, the flowers did not design him though they need him, you did not design him, the birds did not design him, nature did not design him, nature has no conscious (if there is consciousness to nature than it is called God) and the worm could not design himself. This begs the question then, what is your purpose, to me that question is quite simple to worship god who created me, and how do I worship him- by following his rules, i.e. thou shall not kill, thou shall be good to animals, thou will not steel, etc.
I would pleased to clarify and explain more if you would like.
Thank you for your reply, - a long and thorough epistle, indeed.
In telling you about my present religious orientation in just a few words, I neglected to mention, that I am not in my present state of mind because of ignorance. I consider myself very knowledgable in matters of religion.
And because of my knowlegde I am leaving religion behind.
I know my theology, I know the bible and the sermons and the exhortations and all that goes with it. And this knowledge has brought me to the realization that it is all an illusion, a man-made illusion, to be sure.
But it is impossible to just sweep a life time of religion under the carpet. It took me quite a number of years to dismantle all the assumptions and beliefs I had grown up with.
The result is a rather pleasant empty, dark, and silent awareness.
But this discussion has led me to a deeper understanding of my dreams: one does not need the mind, and one does not need to read the book of nature in order to get to this empty and dark place, where all is well.
would you mind if I persist a little?
But before I do that, I might be able to shed some light on the second dream. The restaurant may be this websight where you are feeding intellectually from others, or accepting others thoughts, the waiter could be me, as I am the only one speaking to you(please forgive my modesty), the truck damaging your car means that some one will benefit you or more specifically benefit your wife - as a vehicle can mean wife or your life.
I would like to say also -if one theology does not make sense - it does not mean that there is no theology at all. In Christianity many things do not explain even the mundane happenings, but that does not negate that a truth exists. The truth cannot be nothing.
Once I used to think how lucky I am that there is a god, well in actuality - if there was not a god than I would not exist at all.
The body and mind are funny things, no one understands them really, even our prophet explained that the knowledge of the soul is with your lord. One thing though I can say is that the body although intertwined with the conscious it is separate. Here is an experiment (or kind of), at dusk while you are inside your home turn the light off and look outside, you will see a bright day. Now turn the light on or if on a dimmer slowly adjust the brightness to bright. You will see that outside now looks like night, if you turn the lights of again, it becomes day again. what’s happening off course is that your iris is automatically adjusting. It’s a weird sensation as you cannot easily control this process at all and it makes you realise how automatic your body is. Off course at the end of the day everything in your body is hotwired to the brain, but most of the operations started way before any conscious thought began. Your body is a vehicle and your mind whether drugged or insane is part of your soul.
Linear Mode
