The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary to Quintessential Phases: Encyclopedia II - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary to Quintessential Phases - The Tertiary Phase

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary to Quintessential Phases - The Tertiary Phase

The third 6-part radio series, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Tertiary Phase, based on Life, the Universe and Everything, ran on BBC Radio 4 from Tuesday September 21 to October 26, 2004, with repeats on the following Thursdays. (Arthur Dent, of course, could never get the hang of Thursdays.) Episodes were subtitled Fits the Thirteenth through Eighteenth. The third novel was adapted by Dirk Maggs following instructions left by Adams. Most of the original radio series cast returned, with the exception of three, due to their passing. Richard Vernon (died 1997) as Slartibartfast, replaced by Richard Griffiths, Peter Jones (died 2000), replaced by his friend William Franklyn; some brief excerpts from Jones's original narration were also used in the first episode, cleverly disguised as the Book's speech-generation system changing as part of updates to the Guide from the publisher. A third absent cast member was David Tate (died 1996), who played a multitude of minor roles in the two original radio series including Eddie, the Heart of Gold's computer. And Bill Wallis, who played the roles of Mr Prosser and Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz in the original series, was not available. Toby Longworth took the role of Jeltz in the new series. On the other hand, John Marsh, who was the original series' continuity announcer returned to announce the credits. There was even a cameo role by Adams himself as Agrajag, edited from his BBC audiobook recording of the novel.

The original novel was based on a treatment that Adams wrote for an unmade Doctor Who movie, Doctor Who and the Krikketmen. The idea was re-proposed during Tom Baker's tenure in the title role, and again for a potential (but unmade) second television series of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In fact in The Tertiary Phase the scenes from a cricket match sound very similar to the surviving audio of a similar event in the eighth episode of the Doctor Who serial The Daleks' Master Plan.

Before the final episode was broadcast, BBC Worldwide released the Tertiary Phase on CD, including additional material.

Since the opening of the third book starts at the same place and time (prehistoric Earth) as the opening of the second radio series, the entire Secondary Phase was dismissed as one of Zaphod's "psychotic episodes" (including events that did take place in the books). The UK edition of the novel was used for the adaptation - this becomes evident in Fit the Sixteenth, when the "Rory" award is said to be given for the Most Gratuitous Use Of The Word Fuck In A Serious Screenplay. The US edition of the same novel substituted "Belgium" for "fuck," as well as the explanation for why the former word is considered to be devastatingly rude in the rest of the galaxy, which is drawn from Fit the Tenth of the Secondary Phase. The broadcast version avoids saying "fuck" on radio by well-timed crashes and explosions — the CD version moves these so that the "fuck" is audible.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary to Quintessential Phases - Fit the Thirteenth

• Broadcast on BBC Radio 4, 21 September 2004

• The Book: Peter Jones and William Franklyn
• Arthur Dent: Simon Jones
• Wowbagger (and Vogon Captain, uncredited): Toby Longworth
• Ford Prefect: Geoffrey McGivern
• Trillian: Susan Sheridan
• Zaphod Beeblebrox: Mark Wing-Davey
• Marvin the Paranoid Android: Stephen Moore
• Eddie the Computer: Roger Gregg
• Zem the Mattress: Andy Taylor
• Announcer: John Marsh

Arthur wakes up in a cave on pre-historic Earth (thus ignoring the events of the Secondary Phase), on the day, four years after he last saw Ford Prefect, that Ford arrives back. Ford carries news that he has detected disturbances in the "space-time wash", and that they might be able to escape. The disturbance turns out to be a Chesterfield sofa, which materialises in a field. They chase the sofa as it runs off, and then are transported elsewhere.

Zaphod and Trillian are on the Heart of Gold, without Marvin. Zaphod is extremely hungover, and upset that Trillian is dismissing the events of The Secondary Phase as a "psychotic episode". Trillian wishes to do something and is getting increasingly annoyed at Zaphod. After preparing a fabulous meal, and Zaphod still refusing to come out of the bathroom, she teleports away, telling the ship to "transport me the hell out of Zaphod Beeblebrox's life."

Meanwhile, Marvin is on a swamp on Squornshellous Zeta, conversing with the native life-forms, mattresses. He is circling around and around on one leg, while his artificial (i.e. replacement) leg is stuck in the swamp.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary to Quintessential Phases - Fit the Fourteenth

• Broadcast on BBC Radio 4, 28 September 2004

• The Book: William Franklyn
• Arthur Dent: Simon Jones
• Ford Prefect: Geoffrey McGivern
• Marvin the Paranoid Android: Stephen Moore
• Krikkit Robots: Dominic Hawksley
• Slartibartfast: Richard Griffiths
• Zem the Mattress: Andy Taylor
• Walkie Talkie: Fiona Carew
• The Boy: Theo Maggs
• Wowbagger: Toby Longworth
• Deodat: Bruce Hyman
• Henry Blofeld: Himself
• Fred Trueman: Himself
• Announcer: John Marsh

Arthur and Ford arrive at Lord's Cricket Ground on the sofa that they had caught in the previous episode. They have arrived in the final Test Match in the Ashes, in the middle of the field. A policeman apprehends them, and they retire to the stadium.

Watching the match, Arthur drinks some tea and glances upon a newspaper. He notices the date on the newspaper, and realises that it was from the day before the Earth was demolished. A ball lands in Arthur's bag, and when the fielder comes to collect it, Arthur decides to keep it.

With the planet about to be demolished again, they then look for another lift from the planet. They discover a spaceship, hidden by a "Somebody Else's Problem field", hidden behind a screen.

The game finishes, with England winning the Ashes, and Slartibartfast joins Arthur and Ford. Slartibartfast explains that he has arrived because "something terrible is about to happen". He walks to the centre of the cricket pitch, and asks to be given the Ashes saying that they are "vitally important for the past, present and future safety of the Galaxy".

Another spaceship arrives. Eleven white robots, carrying bats and balls, and wearing rocket pads on their shins (dressed like cricketers), come suddenly out, and start attacking the spectators and players with their grenades. They take the Ashes, say "we declare", and go back into their ship. Ford and Arthur catch a lift on Slartibartfast on his ship.

Meanwhile, Marvin is once again making conversation with a matress. A similar ship to before arrives, and white robots get out and take Marvin's one remaining leg. After a brief while, they return and decide to take all of Marvin instead.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary to Quintessential Phases - Fit the Fifteenth

• Broadcast on BBC Radio 4, 5 October 2004

• The Book: William Franklyn
• Arthur Dent: Simon Jones
• Ford Prefect: Geoffrey McGivern
• Slartibartfast: Richard Griffiths
• Zaphod Beeblebrox: Mark Wing-Davey
• Wikkit Voice: Dominic Hawksley
• Agrajag: Douglas Adams
• Eddie the Computer: Roger Gregg
• Judiciary Pag: Rupert Degas
• Krikkit Man One (and Mancunian Correcting-Fluid Magnate, uncredited): Michael Fenton Stevens
• Krikkit Man Two (and Krikkit song by): Philip Pope
• Krikkit Man Three: Tom Maggs
• Henry Blofeld: Himself
• Fred Trueman: Himself
• Announcer: John Marsh

Slartibartfast shows Ford and Arthur an Informational Illusion about the Krikkit Wars and the Wikkit Gate, and that the game of cricket on Earth is a "racial memory" of the Wars. Investigating further, they discover that the Krikkitmen, a previously peaceful people, built their first spaceship in a year, after a spaceship landed on their planet. The planet and its sun had been previously obscured in a dust cloud that left the Krikketmen unaware of the existence or even possibility of existence of stars. It is considered remarkable that they constructed a working ship in just a year. After they saw the rest of the universe existed, they decided to annihalate it.

Meanwhile, on the Heart of Gold, Zaphod Beeblebrox hears the noise of thousands of people saying "Wop". He intercepts them on the bridge, where he is told they want the "Golden Bail", the ship's Infinite Improbability Drive. They take it, shoot him, and leave.

Back on Slartibartfast's ship, Ford and Arthur watch the Krikkit War Crimes Trial, presided over by Judiciary Pag. Pag's sentence is that Krikkit will be locked in an envelope of "Slo-Time", until the universe has ended, when it will be released, thus saving the universe from attack from Krikkit, and allowing Krikkit to exist in isolation after the end of the universe. However, a Krikkit ship escaped.

Slartibart notes that parts of the key to the Wikkit Gate, sealing the envelope of Slo-Time, have been re-appearing. After a failed attempt to recover the Wooden Pillar (the Ashes), Slartibartfast plans to go to a party, to locate the Silver Bail. Ford disagrees with this objective but agrees with the concept of going to a party. They teleport from the ship.

Arthur does not materialise with Ford and Slartibartfast, but elsewhere, in a gloomy room, with signs such as "DO NOT BE ALARMED. BE VERY VERY FRIGHTENED, ARTHUR DENT". The episode ends on a cliff-hanger, with the previously unintroduced character of Agrajag saying "Bet you weren't expecting to see me again."

The episode includes several Guide interludes, notably the story of Lallaffa the poet, and a description of Brockian Ultra-Cricket.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary to Quintessential Phases - Fit the Sixteenth

• Broadcast on BBC Radio 4, 12 October 2004

• The Book: William Franklyn
• Arthur Dent: Simon Jones
• Ford Prefect: Geoffrey McGivern
• Slartibartfast: Richard Griffiths
• Trillian: Susan Sheridan
• Thor: Dominic Hawksley
• Agrajag: Douglas Adams
• Award winner: Bob Golding
• Woman with the Sydney Opera House Head: Joanna Lumley
• Party Doorman: Paul Wickens
• Announcer: John Marsh

The episode begins with Arthur, who has been "diverted" by Agrajag, who claims that Arthur has killed previous incarnations of him hundreds of times. He also claims to have been the bowl of petunias that materialised into existence in Fit the Third. Eventually it transpires one of the deaths was at Stavromula Beta, where someone tried to assassinate Arthur, and he ducked, hitting Agrajag. Arthur however has never been there. Agrajag cries "I've brought you here too zarking soon", but decides to attempt to kill Arthur anyway.

Arthur and Agrajag struggle, and Agrajag dies. Arthur escapes from the Cathedral of Hate, to which he had been diverted, by running into a passageway in the mountain. He notes that he has somehow ended up with the wrong bag - one he lost on Earth many years ago. He trips, and falls, only to discover that he is flying. He experiments with flying for a while, only to be hit in the small of the back by the party which Ford and Slartibartfast are attempting to enter.

The party is flying as well, and Ford and Slartibartfast are on a ledge around the building, not being permitted entry due to the lack of a bottle. Arthur remembers that his bag contains a bottle of Retsina, and this gets them entry. They see Trillian and Thor at the party, where Thor is chatting Trillian up.

They quiz people trying to find the Silver Bail, and discover that it has been instantiated as an award (a Rory) for the Most Gratuitous Use Of The Word Fuck In A Serious Screenplay. Before they are actually able to find it, the Krikkit robots appear, massacre the party-goers and take the Silver Bail.

Arthur tricks Thor into walking out of the building by challenge him into a fight, leaving Trillian with no choice but to come with them. The Krikkitmen now have all the parts of the Wikkit Key, and Slartibartfast notes that their next move must be to go to the Wikkit Gate itself and try to intervene.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary to Quintessential Phases - Fit the Seventeenth

• Broadcast on BBC Radio 4, 19 October 2004

• The Book: William Franklyn
• Arthur Dent: Simon Jones
• Ford Prefect (and Hactar, in flashbacks, uncredited): Geoffrey McGivern
• Trillian: Susan Sheridan
• Zaphod Beeblebrox: Mark Wing-Davey
• Marvin the Paranoid Android: Stephen Moore
• Krikkit Commander: Dominic Hawksley
• Slartibartfast: Richard Griffiths
• Eddie the Computer: Roger Gregg
• Dispatcher (and Silastic Armorfiends, uncredited): Bob Golding
• Krikkit Man One: Michael Fenton Stevens
• Krikkit Man Two: Philip Pope
• Announcer: John Marsh

The episode opens with a Guide entry about the Silastic Armorfiends, a very aggressive species, who apparently were the first race ever to shock a computer, by asking it (Hactar) to design the "Ultimate Weapon". Hactar designed one, a small bomb which would destroy every sun in the universe by connecting them in hyperspace. However, it turned out to be a dud, because Hactar had decided that any possible consequence of making it a dud would be better than it actually being used. The Silastic Armorfiends were unimpressed with this and destroyed Hactar, and later themselves.

They arrive at the asteroid, but too late to do anything but watch. The Krikkit robots place the key into the Wikkit Gate, revealing Krikkit. As the robots from the escaped Krikkit ship leave their ship, they notice that Zaphod Beeblebrox is with them, who gets knocked out by the Krikkitmen, who then proceed to actually destroy the lock. Zaphod explains that they had brought him on their ship, but had not killed him, but not for any obvious reason.

Zaphod comes with the others on Slartibartfast's ship, where Slartibartfast announces that they have no choice but to go down to the surface of Krikkit. Arthur had recovered two items - the Golden Bail, in order to allow the Heart of Gold to work once more, and more importantly, the Ashes of the Wooden Pillar. Zaphod returns to the Heart of Gold, and asks Trillian whether she wishes to come with him - she declines.

Arthur, Ford, Trillian and Slartibartfast finally land on Krikkit, where they notice that there are hundreds of floating buildings and warships above the surface. They are soon apprehended by some Krikkitmen, who ask them if they are aliens. The Krikkitmen ask them about the "balance of nature". They express concern that the plan of universal destruction would upset the balance of nature, and also would stop them from having sporting links with the rest of the Galaxy.

The leader of the group, in private, explains to Trillian they have a bomb, that can destroy everything that exists, and cries about this. Trillian asks him to to "take me to your leader, up there", in the sky.

Meanwhile, the others notice that the Heart of Gold is visible in the war zones above the planet. Zaphod sneaks into one of the floating buildings, where he finds the original starship that crash-landed on Krikkit. He dismisses it instantly as a fake. He later overhears a conversation between two Krikkit officers, and that apparently the robots are getting depressed and do fiendishly difficult quadratic equations instead of fighting. The episode ends with Zaphod over-hearing Marvin sing a depressing song.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary to Quintessential Phases - Fit the Eighteenth

• Broadcast on BBC Radio 4, 26 October 2004

• The Book: William Franklyn
• Arthur Dent: Simon Jones
• Ford Prefect: Geoffrey McGivern
• Zaphod Beeblebrox: Mark Wing-Davey
• Trillian: Susan Sheridan
• Marvin the Paranoid Android: Stephen Moore
• Elder of Krikkit: Dominic Hawksley
• Slartibartfast: Richard Griffiths
• Eddie the Computer: Roger Gregg
• Krikkit Civilian: Bob Golding
• Wowbagger: Toby Longworth
• Henry Blofeld: Himself
• Fred Trueman: Himself
• Prak: Chris Langham
• Hactar: Leslie Phillips
• Announcer: John Marsh

Ford, Arthur and Slartibartfast are on the surface of Krikkit, prisoners of the Krikkit-men, and waiting for Trillian to get back, or for Zaphod to do something.

Zaphod has discovered Marvin, who since he was stolen by the Krikkit robots, has been plugged into the Krikkit mainframe and is being used as its central computer, hence depressing the robots, and making them unable to kill Zaphod. Marvin shows Zaphod CCTV of Trillian talking to the Elders of Krikkit.

Trillian is explaining that Krikkit's history is a sequence of contrived coincedences that was set-up in order to provoke a race into wanting to destroy the universe. She points out their ultimate weapon, the supernova bomb, would destroy Krikkit as well, and that they ought to know that if they'd built it themselves instead of taking instructions from Hactar. A robot (independent from Marvin) detonates the bomb, only for it to turn out to be a dud.

Arthur, Ford, Marvin, Slartibartfast, Trillian and Zaphod all return to the Heart of Gold, just outside the dust cloud. A pocket of pseudo-gravity has opened with an oxygen atmosphere, and Arthur and Trillian exit the airlock into it.

There, they meet Hactar, who explains that when the Silastic Armorfiends tried to destroy him, they failed, because of his cellular nature, he was eventually able to coalesce sufficiently to influence things. In the long years he grew to regret his decision to make the bomb a dud. He created the dust cloud around Krikkit and also the fake wrecked spacecraft that provoked them to develop spaceflight. He knows they are going to destroy them, and they do. His final words are "I have fulfilled my function..."

They have in the mean-time picked up a man named Prak, who was a witness at a trial when the Krikkit robots broke in and stole the Perspex Pillar. The robots jogged the arm of the person administering him truth drugs, and he took a huge overdose. He was then told to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" - a horrifying fate. The court-house was abandoned, with him in place.

He has apparently stopped telling it ("there not nearly as much of it as people imagine"), but is still finding much of it, particularly frogs and Arthur Dent, hilarious. They ask him if he knows the Question to the Ultimate Answer of 42. He explains that knowledge of Question and the Answer are mutually exclusive and that if both to be known the universe would be replaced by something more bizarre and inexplicable. However, he does have the address of God's Last Message to his Creation, which he gives to them, but before Arthur is able to take down the address, Prak dies.

After this, they return to Lord's Cricket Ground, on Earth, after the Krikkit robot attack, to return the Ashes. In the destruction, Arthur is unable to find anyone to return the Ashes to. He notes that he is at Lord's, and one of his ambitions was always to bowl at Lord's. He still has the ball he caught last time he was there, he decides to bowl the ball at the batsman standing at the wicket.

Mid-run, Ford points out that "it's not an England batsman, it's a Krikkit robot", and that the ball is probably a supernova bomb, and not a dud. He is unable however to stop running and bowls anyway. It goes wide, and Ford catches the ball, the universe being saved by Arthur's poor bowling. Arthur decapitates the robot with its own bat, and then expresses his desire for a cup of tea.

Adapted from the Wikipedia article "The Tertiary Phase", under the G.N U Free Docmentation License. Please also see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki