Steven Wright: Encyclopedia - Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Steven Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American actor, writer, and stand-up comedian from Burlington, Massachusetts. He is known for his slow, deadpan, monotone delivery of ironic, witty, and sometimes confusing jokes and one-liners.

Wright released a comedy album in 1985 entitled I Have a Pony. In 1992, Wright had a recurring role on the television sitcom Mad About You. He later won an Academy Award for his short film, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings. He has also appeared as the voice of the radio DJ in the film Reservoir Dogs.

There are numerous lists of jokes attributed to Wright circulating on the Internet, sometimes of dubious provenance. Wright has stated that "someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad." [1]

In a 2005 poll to find The Comedian's Comedian, he was voted amongst the top 50 comedy acts ever by fellow comedians and comedy insiders. He was recently named in the Top 25 of the Comedy Central 100 Greatest Standups of All Time.

Steven Wright - Steven Wright One-Liners

• "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
• "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
• "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
• "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
• "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
• "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
• "One day I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
• "I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
• "When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
• "What's another word for thesaurus?"
• "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself."
• "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
• "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
• "I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
• "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
• "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone."
• "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
• "Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
• "I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
• "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
• "I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger."
• "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
• "We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child. Eventually."
• "Why's the alphabet in that order? Is it 'cause of that song?"
• "I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose."
• "I was out walking my dog yesterday. On the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths".
• "My friend works in radio. When we go under a bridge, I can't hear him."
• "I came home to my apartment and found that everything had been replaced with an exact replica. I called my friend over and said 'Can you believe this? Everything's been replaced with an exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know you?'"
• "I was being interviewed for a job. During the interview, I started to read a magazine. The interviewer asked, 'What are you doing???' I said, 'Let me ask you a question. If I was driving at the speed of light, and turned the headlights on, would anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said to him, 'I don't think I want to work for your company.'"
• "I went to a convenience store the other night. It had a sign reading, 'Open 24 Hours'. The manager was locking the place up. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!' He said, 'Yeah, but not in a row."
• "I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
• "I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke."
• "I got home after a night of drinking and pulled out my car keys to get in my building, so I started it up and took it for a drive."
• "I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
• "Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."
• "A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here."
• "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
• "I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything."
• "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
• "I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
• "It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature."
• "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
• "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."
• "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

Steven Wright - Selected filmography

• Desperately Seeking Susan, (1985) Larry Stillman D.D.S.
• Reservoir Dogs, (1992) (voice only) as "K-Billy DJ"
• So I Married an Axe Murderer, (1993) as "Pilot"
• Natural Born Killers, (1994) as "Dr. Emil Reingold"
• Canadian Bacon, (1995) as Canadian Mounted Police Officer
• Half Baked, (1998) as "The Guy on the Couch" (uncredited)
• Coffee and Cigarettes, (2003) as "Steven"
• The Aristocrats, (2005) as himself

Adapted from the Wikipedia article "Steven Wright", under the G.N U Free Docmentation License. Please also see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki