Selfishness: Selfhisness is a good thing

By Jenka

I have often heard people express a desire to become more sensitive and compassionate, while confessing that they probably loved themselves too much to succeed in that ambition. In all the cases I have observed, the problem was exactly the reverse. It is because we do not love ourselves enough that our relationships become problematic. Compassion and sensitivity to others are direct by-products of self-love.

Unfortunately, we struggle with self-love because we perceive it as selfishness and many of us are uncomfortable with that sensation. Selfishness is, in fact, self-love.

I can honestly say (having experienced both conditions), that if you want to be of real benefit to those around you as well as the world at large, you must strive to become truly selfish. Selfishness/self-love is the key to achieving happiness and peace of mind. Until we love ourselves (become selfish), there will be very little room in our hearts for others. More importantly, when we do not love ourselves, it is difficult to accept or sometimes even recognize love from others, even when it is genuine.

By selfish, I don't mean that you manipulate or intimidate other people into doing your bidding. That is egotistical. Selfishness means giving yourself permission to do exactly as you darn please, and respecting everyone else's right to do the same. That way, when you come together, you will know that it is because you want to. This knowledge alone will substantially magnify the pleasure derived from every encounter.

Our world would be a much better place if more people were selfish. Unfortunately, too few of us are selfish and too many of us are egotistical, which, in my view, accounts for a good portion of the mess our human relations are in.

Of course, an argument can be made that one cannot always do as one pleases, because there are the needs of the family to consider, and you certainly cannot tell the boss where to go when you feel like it, and what about when you want to yell fire in a crowded theater, etc...

Within every environment, no matter how difficult, there is room for the expression of free will. No one suggests that there will be no consequences. However, suppressing your nature also has consequences, sometimes much more far-reaching and unpleasant.

If you feel that in your present circumstances spontaneity is out of the question, at least consider what would be the selfish thing to do and see if you can figure out what is preventing you from taking the risk. Then forgive yourself. There is always tomorrow. Start small, and every success will open new and more frequent opportunities to express your free will (be selfish/self-loving.)

Don't be too concerned about hurting other people's feelings or encroaching upon their rights. We have no power over anyone but ourselves. Other people have a choice in the way they react to us. The important thing to remember is that, if they are in our physical presence, they have agreed to the experience, so by being spontaneous (selfish), we are serving everyone involved in the best possible way.

Perhaps selfishness will be easier to swallow if we understand that before we can manifest abundance in our life, we must feel deserving of it, which requires that we love ourselves enough to allow it. The other thing to remember is that everything we receive is arranged for by the part of us I refer to as our Source Self. Although it may appear that your grandma has decided to give you the pearls you admire, in actuality, she is allowing herself to be used as an instrument of your Source Self.

In that context, you must never refuse anything good offered to you. To do so is like spitting in the face of God. Accept all gifts and favors in the full knowledge that they come from your Source Self and that the people who appear to be the givers will be amply rewarded for their part in the process in a manner best suited to them.

I realize that I am repeating myself. This is so important, however, that I am not willing to take the chance you might have missed it the first time around, so I am doing an encore.

Self-love/selfishness is the natural result of accepting ourselves exactly as we are, warts and all. Before we can do that, however, we must first find out who we really are.

Selfishness has become such a repugnant word (because it has so often been used as a weapon by those who want something against those they want it from), that we are afraid of it and go to great lengths to avoid having it pinned on us. Selfish was an "endearment" originally coined for me by my parents. Because it would have been more painful for me to admit that my parents were lying, I chose to accept their assessment of my character as Truth.

Since being selfish was less than a desirable way to be, I attempted to prove to myself that I had outgrown it by conscientiously performing acts of generosity and compassion toward everyone, everywhere, all the time. I was always the one to carry the heaviest bundle, go along with everyone else's wishes, and never refuse anyone a service. Despite all my efforts, however, I was unable to shed my selfish reputation.

After a while, all that goodness, generosity and compassion left me emotionally depleted, physically exhausted, and financially flat. I knew that I could no longer go on as before, but what to do? I thought I had done everything in my power not to be selfish, yet I was still plagued with that tag.

Eventually, I thought, "What if I did not fight the fact that I am selfish and just learned to live with it? After all, nobody is perfect. So what if selfishness is one of my flaws? I still have as much right to be on this earth as everybody else." That is when I made a pact with myself to stop compensating for my imperfections and just behave in whatever manner felt natural to me without apology or shame.

For several months, I indulged only myself and refused all requests for my services. I only participated in activities I considered fun, and if I did not enjoy myself, I would leave.

I only gave away things I no longer needed or wanted, and avoided giving presents on official gift-giving days. I also steeled myself to resist justifying my decisions to anyone about anything I did or chose not to do. In short, I flaunted my shortcomings and behaved in a way that some might label a total bitch.

Then something happened that I refer to as "the paradox of life." Instead of the rejection and criticism I had expected, I was, all of a sudden, complimented left and right on my loving nature and generosity of spirit. Wow! What happened? There actually is an explanation and I am about to try my hand at it. Because we are all subliminally connected, when I was vulnerable to the selfish label, people were able to sense it, whether consciously or not, and could not resist taking advantage of it. If you want to control a person, never give them what they are seeking. You will get a lot of mileage from their efforts to elicit that very thing from you.

Do not mistake that statement as having my stamp of approval. I do not condone such tactics. I am merely pointing out the current propensities of human interaction.

Once I determined to live with myself without seeking anyone's approval, the psychological ring that had previously been dangling from my nose was no longer available for anyone to pull on. Humans are very intelligent creatures. They never waste their efforts on something that does not have at least a fifty percent chance of working out in their favor.

When we are being good and kind and give of ourselves (sacrifice) to others, whether we are aware of it or not, we project our expectations of recognition, appreciation and reciprocation. Although we think we are giving something, we are, in fact, investing in hope of a return. Because we are interconnected, our message is picked up by the individual on the receiving end of our gift or favor, and he/she feels an obligation to repay us in kind.

Have you noticed that as soon as you give someone a gift, you receive a slightly more valuable gift back, at the very first half-legitimate opportunity? That is not just civilized behavior. It is a way of insuring that you cannot call in the debt at your discretion and in the coin of your choice.

Conversely, when we are being selfish, we do things for the pure pleasure they bring us. Since there is no sacrifice involved, there are no subliminal messages that anybody owes anybody anything. Although people may not be aware of the difference between giving and investing, they will sense that being around you is more pleasant and relaxing than being around other people.

True giving feels like "just doing the right thing" so we don't consider it "giving."

That was a long-winded explanation of the following law governing our system: whatever we are "against" creates more of what we are against. Whatever we are "for" creates more of what we are for. In other words, our focus is replicated. As long as I was trying not to be called selfish, I kept perpetuating what I feared (being called selfish). When I became for being selfish/self-loving, the world reflected my self-love back to me.

Once you have mastered selfishness/self-love, you will become the perfect instrument for teaching others about giving. We are all called upon to teach what we know as well as learn what we need to know from others around us. I venture to guess that you will be brought together with people who will give you things on the "investment plan." The trick is not to reciprocate. Accept the gift and do nothing further. If that was a genuine gift, no action will be necessary or expected. If it was a trade, the person will be very disappointed by the lack of return on his investment and probably frustrated by your unwillingness to play by the rules. Since we learn by experience, this is a great opportunity for that person to look at his real motives and, hopefully, get an inkling of his true nature.

Perhaps this is as good a place as any to touch on humility, which is a character trait highly regarded in our Society. Humility, visible to the physical eye, is nothing more than posturing. If we are all equally beloved children of God, that would make us all siblings. Have you ever seen beloved children behave with humility toward their siblings?

Humility is only appropriate in our private moments with our Creator. The humble fa�ade that some people project in public is intended to convince us of their superior goodness and piety. That is arrogance masquerading as humility. Do not trust appearances. We travel within our peer groups. If these people are among us, they are our equals and, as such, are not entitled to reverence. Paradoxically, people who have a genuine, ongoing personal relationship with their "Creator" are considered arrogant and often criticized for it.

This was an excerpt from "A Heaven on Earth: Human Alchemy through the Practical Use of Universal Principles." Please visit:  http://www.jenkapublications.com/.