Relationships: Beyond The 50/50 Relationship

By David Deida

Beyond The 50/50 Relationship

Many people today believe in a myth that says intimate happiness is attained through a 50/50 ideal of equality based on a notion of "sameness" between men and women. Belief in this myth of the 50/50 Relationship is one of the major reasons that men and women have been unable to cultivate and deepen sexual, emotional, and spiritual union in intimacy. As many of us have discovered, when we focus on dividing the pie equally, our intimate embrace often becomes more like a business handshake than a delicious swoon that dissolves two lovers into a single heart of desire.

Culturally, the modern "50/50" relationship was born of dissatisfaction with the old style of suppressive relationships between the sexes, wherein men and women were confined to rigidly defined sex roles that dictated how men and women were supposed to behave--or what they could achieve--just because they happened to be men or women.

Men were not supposed to express their emotions and were confined to the role of "bread-winner." Women were confined to the role of "housewife" with little political or economic power, and few opportunities to move beyond their household lives.

Because neither men nor women in this old, or "first stage," style of relationship were allowed to develop their full capacities, they became dependent on one another for what they lacked by themselves. Men became dependent on women for sex, nurturing, and care of the home and children. Women became dependent on men for money, affection and status.

Eventually, many men and women found that they wanted to be free. They no longer wanted to depend on, or be depended on by, someone else. As individuals and as a culture, we began to embrace the ideals of wholeness and of individual completion by accepting the Feminine and Masculine energies that lie within each of us. Men began to accept their "internal goddess" by learning to express their emotions and nurture themselves, while reconnecting with their vulnerability in relationships. Women began to accept their "internal warrior" by developing their careers and strengthening their political clout, thereby freeing themselves from economic dependence on men.

Intimate relationships between men and women evolved from first-stage "Dependence Relationships" to second-stage relationships based on the modern ideal of two independent people, whole unto themselves, coming together as equals and evenly splitting the responsibilities of the household, finances, and child rearing. I call this second-stage style of intimacy the "50/50 Relationship."

Nobody would disagree that the 50/50 Relationship is a positive step toward liberation from the dependence-inducing gender roles of the first stage. The trouble is, many modern women have had to cloak their unique and natural expression of "Feminine radiance" in order to succeed in today's more Masculine-oriented economy. And many modern men, stuck in a vague transition point between old models of the Masculine and new identities, have become ambiguous at their core, unable to be fully present and confident in relationship and in their lives.

Although efforts toward social and economic equality between men and women have obviously been necessary and enormously beneficial, it appears we have also suffered an unplanned side-effect to this well-intentioned movement: men and women have inadvertently become more and more sexually neutralized, unable to give each other what they really want in intimacy. We are restraining the fullness of the Masculine and Feminine forces that lie within each of us. Rather than celebrating the attractive differences between the Masculine and the Feminine qualities in each of us (which often bring intimates together in the first place), some people have begun to deny that there even is a difference. Some people seem to believe that, in terms of inherent Masculine and Feminine energy, all people are actually the same.

Of course, there is at least some difference that we could feel; otherwise, we wouldn't have a sexual preference. On the contrary, most of us know the kind of lover that we want. Regardless of whether we are heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, most of us have a preference for either a more Masculine lover or a more Feminine lover.

While fully supporting social, financial, and political equality between men and women, as a therapist and educator I also want to acknowledge some of the major complaints men and women have about each other in intimacy.

Women are complaining that men are becoming weaker, less committed in intimacy, and seemingly lost in their lives. In short, women often ask me why men are such "wimps" these days.

Men are complaining that women are becoming hardened, more resistive, and sharply independent, to the point that they are no longer very attractive to the men. In short, men often ask me why women are becoming such "ball busters" these days.

Modern men and women have discovered that equality, by itself, does not make for a passionate and growing relationship. So where do we go from here? Surely we don't want to return to the painful, regressive Dependence Relationships of the first stage. But if we are dissatisfied with the safe but lukewarm independence typical of second-stage 50/50 Relationships, and we are also dissatisfied with first-stage relationships based on inequality and sex roles, where else can we go?

Intimate Communion, the style of relationship described here, is an entirely different style of relationship from either Dependence or 50/50 Relationships. Intimate Communion is not about the old style of sex roles, nor is it about the modern ideal of "fairness," wherein the essential strengths of the Masculine and Feminine forces are often denied along with the attractive differences between them. Intimate Communion is about opening our hearts and giving the unique gifts that lie deep in our sexual, emotional, and spiritual core.

However, in the name of economic security and emotional safety, many of us have developed a shell of protection that hides our native gifts. For fear of becoming too vulnerable or dependent, many of us have lost trust in our natural Feminine style of gifting, preferring a more aggressive or independent stance in the world. For fear of becoming too macho and insensitive, many of us have lost trust in our natural Masculine style of gifting, and in doing so we have lost touch with our real direction in life and are afraid to take a strong stand in our intimacies and in the world.

After interviewing thousands of men and women about their true desires in intimate relationship, I must report that when most men and women achieve a 50/50 Relationship, they find they want a partner who expresses more Feminine radiance or Masculine presence in intimacy. These interviews reveal that men and women are filled with wild and beautiful Masculine and Feminine gifts they are afraid to share, and they are also reluctant to fully express their own real sexual, emotional and spiritual desires.

To grow through the three stages of intimacy, we must come to terms with our deepest desires to give and receive our sexual, emotional and spiritual gifts. We may find that we are hiding some of our real desires, thinking they are unfair or taboo. Before we can learn to give and receive our deepest gifts, whether gently or wildly, we must understand why we often confine our loving, and how we can liberate the mysterious force of love that lies yearning in our hearts.

The article is from Intimate Communion by David Deida. Please see: http://www.deida.com.