Love and Happiness: Forgiveness Helps Contain Anger

By Firoz Bakht Ahmed

We always look for the healing touch after someone has hurt, humiliated or insulted us. Samuel Johnson in " The Rambler " writes that a wise man will make haste to forgive because he knows the true value of time, and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain.

On the other hand, anger is a short-lived madness; when a man grows angry, his reason rides out. Fury and anger carry the mind away.

True, anger is never without reason, but seldom is it backed by a good one. By controlling the anger of a minute, one may avoid the remorse of a lifetime. The Lord's prayer says: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us". He that forgives first, wins laurels. Surely, forgiveness is better than revenge.

A Latin saying advises, "Forgive others often, yourself never!" If it is easy to get angry, it is difficult to forgive. He who holds back the rolling chariot of anger as it gathers speed, is a real driver while others are just holding the reins.

"Thou hast the advantage of the angry when thou keepest silence". A man is outside himself when angry. If a man has anger in his heart, what further enemy need he fear?

In the Book of Wisdom, Ben Sira quotes , "Lose not thy temper because of a scorner so that he use thy mouth as a trap. Anger breeds hate; forgiveness nourishes love".

Saying the words, "I forgive you" could be the most powerful thing we could ever do. Forgiving doesn't mean giving in. It means to let go.

Once we forgive, we are no longer emotionally handcuffed to the person who hurt us. One reason is that it compensates for the powerlessness we experienced when we were hurt. We may feel more in charge when we are filled with anger.

But forgiving instils a much greater sense of power. When we forgive, we reclaim our power to choose. It does not matter whether or not someone deserves forgiveness.

Shakespeare wrote in Coriolanus: "Anger's my meat; I sup upon myself!" To be angry is to invite the faults of others upon ourselves. Rage supplies all with arms.

Forgiveness is good for the body and soul. Medically, people who remain angry most are susceptible to hypertension and related diseases.  "Re-living unsuccessful or humiliating situations in the past hurt over and over again and prove bad for your health", says Dr Redfold Williams.  Simply remembering an incident that made a person angry has proved to be stressful for the heart.  Negative feelings that cause stress have also been linked to high blood pressure and increased susceptibility to other illnesses.

While terrible hurt may take only minutes to inflict, forgiving the perpetrator often requires more time. Initially we experience negative feelings such as anger, sadness and shame.  Then we try to make sense of what happened. Ultimately we learn to see the person who hurt us through new eyes. Some people never reach the final stages of forgiveness.

Those hurt in childhood by people they loved and trusted may find the process particularly difficult. Yet, even partial forgiveness can be beneficial.

Forgiveness can occur without anybody else's involvement or awareness. The people who are forgiven may never realise they wronged us or never know we forgave them. What is important is that we let go of our anger. Hurtful experiences teach us not to be victimised again and to refrain from victimising others.

Forgiveness leads to inner peace, once we have forgiven we can laugh more, feel more deeply, become more connected to others. And the good feeling we generate will lead to even greater healing.

If we want to move towards a future of forgiving but do not know how to start , we may follow these suggestions given by Swami Paramananda in his Book of Daily Thoughts and Prayers that forgiving the slights by strangers readies us for the tougher task of forgiving major hurts.

We can express our anger or disappointment with a trusted friend or counsellor. This allows us the strengthening experience of being heard. We can let go of our feeling without the danger of saying or doing anything we will regret later.

Anger-releasing methods such as punching a pillow can help. If we are not so much angry as sad, we may keep a journal. By all means we should avoid negative thinking and expression on anger such as driving dangerously, slamming doors or breaking things.

We can spell out the truth of what happened as we experienced it without blaming or judging. It is better to use the "I" statement: "I feel I do not understand" and so on. We may describe the impact of the person's behaviour had on us and express our feelings to resolve the issue.

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See also: Love and Happiness, Life and Beyond, Death and Dying, Body Mind and Soul)