Christian Science: From perfectionism to perfection

By Carol Nelden

From perfectionism to perfection

Everything had to be perfect.

My perfect life was filled with homemaking, committee work and a never-ending to-do list. Immaculately organized, the home I shared with my husband and kids was lovely-but, as they could tell you, it was impossible to relax in.

All I wanted was to be appreciated. All I accomplished was a hectic lifestyle that no one understood. I cleaned the house every day except weekends, going so far as to pick up lint off the carpet every time I climbed the stairs. Potato chips were counted out equally for each of my children so no one would feel shortchanged. For picnics, paper products had to be color-coded; food had to be 100% nutritional, planned weeks ahead and prepared for days.

Spontaneity? I didnÕt know what that word meant.

Looking back, daughter Kim says charitably, ÒAlthough loving, Mom was a little uptight and controlling. Everything had to be spotless and she ruled the roost.Ó

What a self-imposed prison!

I remember one evening when several couples were sitting at a meal that I had spent four days working on. My thoughts were filled with things like proper table settings and the color balance of the foods on the plates. Was I dressed as well as the other women, did I fix what they liked or were they just pretending? I smiled a lot and was very hospitable, but no one knew I was missing half of the conversation-I was mostly listening to myself!

But slowly that evening I began to realize that everyone around me was having fun and I wasn't. This doesn't mean I didn't enjoy being with family and friends, but I lacked the ease and relaxation that they found at the same events. I was just plain tense, wondering if I was perfect enough to "belong."

In the weeks following, I noticed this more and more. It's tough to realize that changes have to be made because it means there's work ahead. I had to find the humility to admit I was unhappy with how things were going. And hereÕs where my spiritual practice came in handy. I don't always "see" the answers I need immediately, but if I do the praying and give it my all, the answers come.

I had always turned to the truths I knew about God for my immediate needs, and He had always answered. But, it was much harder when it came to changing my lifestyle and character because, again, I thought I was perfectly capable of organizing myself. I had learned from reading the Bible that man is made in the image and likeness of God. This image and likeness is explained further in Science and Health as Òreflection.Ó Somewhere along my road to learning how I must trust God in every aspect of my life it dawned on me that an image and likeness-a reflection-is not cause, but effect.

How did this idea help me? I reasoned that as an effect, a reflection, of divine creation, I have no alternative but to reflect and express whatÕs in front of the spiritual mirror: the full nature of God. And God is already perfect. I didnÕt have to achieve perfection-I could express it because I already had it.

How did I begin? I wanted to give more of my time to my family-real, valuable time. So, instead of dusting furniture by 8am, I spent more fun and laughing time with the kids at the breakfast table. As a result, they became more fun to be with-or maybe I was more fun to be with! I took more walks with them, went to the park or swimming pool several times a week. Small things, but they began to make a difference.

Now, complete transformation didnÕt happen lickity-split. At first I had to plan these ÒspontaneousÓ outings, but after about a year it became as normal a part of raising the children as feeding and bathing them. The dusting got done as did everything else, just not as often nor with such tenseness. Along with all of this came a concerted effort to appreciate myself more for the beautiful qualities directly from God that I express. Using these makes every day an opportunity for good.

My entire life has changed as a result of the calming effect of understanding that perfection is a given. When trying times come, and they do, I know that I have this standard of perfection already in place and maintained for me. My prayers no longer express the frustration of trying to make something good happen, but, rather, they are quiet reflections on GodÕs already-established perfection for all of creation. It becomes easier to recognize and drop tension about details because I know that this tendency doesnÕt show the trust in the Divine that I really do feel. I go back to trusting, and the tension leaves.

One measurement I use to determine how to respond to the needs of my family is: How will my choice of words or actions affect them 30 years from now? If what I was about to say or do would be useful in the long run, I went with it. If it was only a temporary means of getting my way, I dropped it. This has served me well and I know others benefited from it immensely.

What does my family say? ÒCarol today versus past years is much less prone to be concerned with details that ÔdonÕt matter,ÕÓ says husband Robert. ÒEverything that does matter, however, is still of great importance.Ó

Kim says, ÒNow, she is able to let the little things slide and is much more accepting of doing things someone else's way. She is relaxed, calm and very much at peace with herself and her life. I can even take all four dogs to her house. They shed!Ó

Since putting perfectionism out the door I find that my family is calm and we also enjoy being together more. We have an annual family reunion and IÕm so relaxed and enjoying the fun that nothing gets cleaned or picked up while theyÕre here. My kids are so comfortable that they do the cleaning before they leave, and without worrying about whether they will do it well enough. Also, I actually have more true friends. And to be honest with you-life feels perfect.

Republished by permission www.spirituality.com